Transitions

I find myself again at a point of transition. The cycle of change continues -- as it should -- but for the first time I am uncertain of just where I fit in. It's a process, I realize, that will be some time in the determining. I only know that where I have been is no longer "right."

Last fall I entered the realm of great-grandparent, a thrilling event fraught with change. And that's been good. I joined the world of the formally retired this spring, by virtue of getting Social Security, and that's been good. I've also joined a cycle of craftmanship by virtue of my needlework, which I market at conventions and shows on a limited basis.

Yet I feel an emptiness within me that has not yet found a place to settle. I hate the city I am living in, hate it with a passion that grows stronger every day. But most of my family is here now. I have always placed the highest value on family.

I miss my old hometown with equal passion, though much of what I loved is fading, gone, or re-visioned. I am excited by that, though, and love the idea that it is changing, growing, after years of urban decay.

I haven't wanted to write in many many months, settling instead into the role of editor, working with other people's words. My own words are just beginning to come back, and I think they may come back with a vengeance. That's good. Do I want write from here? Probably not. I find little to inspire me here, and inspiration, not rote, is necessary to me.

I have a lot of friends here, in the broader sense of the word. I have very very few people I connect to on any deeper level. They've all moved away, moved on to something else. I sense that coming for me as well.

This is my year of transition. I'm not sure where I will land, but I know that I am not happy where I am. Sorting out the difference is -- difficult.

Perhaps in writing this I'll begin to sort it out and find that elusive place to settle. It sounds so wishy-washy to say this, but "we'll see."

Obsolete and loving it!

I often find myself out of step, on the verge of if not actually obsolete. I don't want to be forever "available," fighting each day to maintain that list of "must call" and "must post."

If you call and I am not home, call back. I don't spend hours on my telephone and don't own a cell phone. I am not sitting around waiting for the phone to ring and I manage to live just fine. And with a lot less stress...

I still use a VCR. I have a DVD player, but really, how many times do you need to buy the same movies? (And I have a back-up VCR in my closet!) My TV is a 13" model that is 16 years old. I think. It works fine.

I still cook at home. This city is overflowing with fast food, and houses very few original eateries (almost none with any kind of ambiance ... and no one seems to know what a tablecloth and silverware are). I can eat much healthier at home. Which I do 98% of the time.

I have five bookcases in my three bedroom apartment. Working on a sixth. And a wide windowsill of books. And a table with a shelf of books. And that's just the books I am keeping (all hardcover). If I had every book I've ever read I would need a ten-room house ....

I have a cassette player. With several hundred custom made cassettes filled with my favorite music. I need it and use it every day. Of course I have CDs, but they are far far fewer than that customized music.

I use a computer, and get all my news there. I can pick and choose -- CNN, CBS, PBS, BBC -- without commercials, and I can turn it off. Mostly I watch TV on it since I won't spend the money on Cable until they allow me to pay only for the channels I want to watch (and that won't happen any time soon). If I have to pay for 80 channels and only watch 4, I really don't see the point! Back to my computer, where those 4 are free. Oh, and I write on that PC -- a lot.

I got a Twitter account four years ago and haven't touched it since.

My sewing machine is at least 45 years old. Survived our house fire and works just fine. I make clothes and design costumes on it. And I still prefer hand-finishing, which takes longer but is so satisfying.

I have a coffeemaker (4 cup) that I never use. I am thinking about buying a percolater. There is something soothing about its rituals.

By business card reads "By Appointment or Chance."

I am comfortable with silence. And my days are peaceful.